Monday, May 3, 2010

Q: What's The Most Efficient Way to Kill a Joke?

A: Make it happen.

I've been making a joke out of the fact that my girlfriend hasn't talked to me in the last two weeks. "Uh oh, maybe she's died," and all that.

And now she's dead.

Okay, fine. She's not dead. She's dead to me, but she's certainly not dead to her new lover who I caught her sleeping with in the wine cellar at a friend's party. Actually, that would be the second lie I've told in this post. (Maybe the third, if you disagree with my declaration that the most efficient way to kill a joke is to make it happen. Arguably, the most efficient way to kill a joke is to decapitate a chicken right after the joke is said.)

Things are going fine for months at a time except for the fact that we have the largest amount of trouble setting up dates. Finally we set up this adorable date at PF Changs. Things are going along swimmingly until she cancels several hours before we have the date. She doesn't answer my e-mails or respond to my calls for more than two weeks after that point. Then she sends me an e-mail telling me why she wants to break up with me. I'm not one to cry but she certainly jarred me into a state of shock. And after all of that happened, I found out that she's pregnant.

Pregnant and married.

That makes five lies.

For sake of privacy I won't talk to you about the e-mail. One thing I will tell you: it's one thing to have a relationship with a guy that you cut off after only several months. It's another thing to cut of the relationship with the guy, and then act idiotic about it when you go to school. I guess it wouldn't do any good to tell you exactly what she did, but I will tell you that I can't believe I would have ever dated a girl who would do things like that.

She really rained on my parade. And that was inconsiderate, because not all of the animals and staff for that parade were performing inside the tent. There were some elephants, clowns, exotic birds, and others who got really wet.

After she breaks up with me, what do I do? Any logical and stubborn guy wouldn't ever contact her simply because he was ticked off. I think I managed to wait about sixteen minutes before I called her again. And boy--was that the most pathetic voice mail anyone could ever leave, on television or reality. I can't even bring myself to tell you about it. Maybe I'll tell you later. Five years later.

Let me tell you something else:

I would like a cell phone, please.

That doesn't sound like me, but I'm telling the truth. I don't even need a phone that does anything beside making calls. I won't ever text, because texting to me is a sinful act. Just like Facebook...

Which brings me to my next point. God, I'm sounding so ADHD.

My ex-Best Friend just got a Facebook. This is a major betrayal to the diminishing circle of nerds that I used to be able to surround myself with. The only friends I have left who don't have a Facebook have a Twitter. The only friends I have left who don't have either text as often as any other teenager.

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but sometimes isn't it worth it to be different just for the sake of being different?

Maybe I don't need a cell phone after all.

I am in the process of building my blog list as payment for all of my beautiful followers.

I also call attention to the poll on the sidebar. I think the results are going to be almost unanimous, but vote anyways.

Stay tuned!!!

3 people secretly have a crush on me:

thecircusbird said...

It is quite horrible of me to say that I find your misery so bloody cute?

Oh well. At least your predicament is the source of entertainment (in a nice-I-don't-mean-to-offend-I-just-have-nothing-else-to-do type of way).

I like you blog. Bye.

thecircusbird said...

Aw, I just saw that I'm your blog list.


Becky Sipe said...

I hate your blog.

That makes six lies.

haha.. your funny posts make my journalism class a little less boring. Thanks for that.

I have my friends reading it.