Thursday, May 27, 2010

And, Alas, Summer is Here


Exams ended today. I actually like exam week, because it consists of half-days and I prefer taking tests over listening to lecture. But the last time I tried to tell a kid that I like exam week, he punched me in the stomach and called me a "pansy." It didn't help when I recited Bible verses at him either.

My science exam was in the French room and my calculator broke two minutes before the exam. I rose my hand and said,

"My calculator just broke."

She said, "I'm a French teacher, what do you expect me to do?"

Um, say "I spit on you" in a funny accent and then give me a new calculator?

It all ended well, though. A friend helped me cheat. Whenever the answer was A, he blinked once. For B, he blinked twice. C, he blinked three times. D, he blinked four times. About halfway through, though, he totally forgot about it and went back to blinking normally. I ended up writing down A for the next sixty quesitons.

Actually, I borrowed my science teacher's calculator. But, we're being honest here, don't you like the first story better?

Afterward, we went off campus to go to the Break Pad, a hamburger place about two blocks away. We reviewed exam questions like the average nerds would, recited jokes from sitcoms only we watched, and talked about outrageously random things. 'Twas fun.

If people can still say this without sounding like lonely, old creeps who sit on benches and imagine all of the passerby naked; then one of things I like most about going to restaurants is the people-watching.

There is consistently the same type of people there no matter where you go. There is always a bunch of teenage guys laughing at something that is most probably not funny. There are always huge families with like seven obnoxious sons. There are always lonely businessmen who wear sunglasses so nobody notices that they're staring at everyone longingly with sad puppy eyes. There are always younger couples with babies. The baby will be crying and crying and crying, but they just stare sullenly around the restaurant like they're trying to figure out where the crying noises are coming from.

And there are always people having totally silent dates. I mean, who can blame them? How do you keep the conversations going?

The first date: you have a whole world of things to talk about. You ask quesitons like "What are dreams in life?" "What do you do for a living?" "What are your hobbies?"

The second date: "What's your dream car?" "Tell me about your family." "Play any instruments?"

The third date: "What's your favorite color?" "Do you like dogs or cats more?" "What's your favorite classic American novel?"

The fourth date: "Do you use florescent or incondescent light bulbs?" "What's your most embarrassing moment?" "What's your favorite brand of frozen dinners?"

The fifth date: "There's something I haven't been telling you...I'm married."

Ah, young love when there isn't sex involved...

It has been an interesting week, though. On Wednesday I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. I answered,

"Hello, Kennedy's."

"Kennedy's? Is that a residence or a business? I've been getting repeated calls from this number."

I wanted to say, "Yes, sir, we've been expecting you. The government has been looking through your files and we're quite impressed. How would you like to work for the FBI?"

Instead, I settled for, "It's a residence. Sorry, we must have been calling the wrong number."

And thank goodness I did that, because I later found out that it was one of my neighbors whose son we carpool with to school.

While we're on the subject of controversial comedians with considerably long black hair, let me tell you about Emo Philips. Rather, how about I show him to you:

Emo Philips

Make sure you watch the whole thing. After that one ended, watch Part 2. After that, Part 3. I'm not sure what follows that, but just follow your heart.

He also won the best religion joke of the year according to some sort of organization or another for this one:

I was in San Fransisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump. So I thought I'd try to stall and detain him, long enough for me to put the film in. I said, "Don't jump!" and he turns... You've heard of the elephant man. He was kind of like that, he had a, well, you could say he had the head of a horse. And my heart went out to him. I said, "Why the long face?"
He said, "'Cause all my life people have called me mean names like horses-head or Flicka or chess-piece or Trigger..."
I said, "Well, don't worry about it, Ed. It can't be that bad."
He said, "My girlfriend's suing me!"
I said, "For palomino?"
He said, "Why was I put on this Earth?"
I said, "My friend, anywhere else you wouldn't stand a chance."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you, you silly ninny."
He said, "How do you know there's a God?"
I said, "Of course there's a God. Do you think that billions of years ago a bunch of molecules floating around at random could someday have had the sense of humor to make you look like that?"
He said, "I do believe in God."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too. Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What franchise?"
He says, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over!

He's a genius. With his hair, he looks like a combination of Kathy Bates in Misery and Pee Wee Herman.

Happy Summer, everyone!

0 people secretly have a crush on me: