My Act for the High School Talent Show

Actually, I just found out last week that there is no high school talent show next year. What a disappointment. Now this act is kind of like the comedic version of The Unborn. It never got the chance to really live so now it keeps coming after you.

Well, here it is. I'll have you know first that I want the MC's to announce me as "Christopher Kennedy, who has had a passion for opera ever since he saw Carmen at the age of 12. He says that through his baritone vocals he channels emotions that have been stored inside him since he was just a little fetus. Today he'll be singing an excerpt from The Magic Flute."

I'll walk somberly onto the stage and step in front of the microphone. Maybe take a sip from a tall glass of ice water they put at the center of the stage. Open my mouth to sing and then...my act.

"Nah, I’m just joking. Raise your hand if you really thought I was about to sing opera just now. Come on. Raise your hand. You gooses.

One thing I couldn’t help mentioning right now: doesn’t it seem strange that people choose to clap after performances like these? Isn’t the idea of applause kind of weird? I don’t understand the thought process. It’s like, “Wow, I’m so happy right now, I think I’ll bang two body parts against each other over and over again in celebration.” Okay, enough critique.

On a different note, I’m delighted to be here today. Actually I’m a bit nervous too. Also a little hungry. Ooh! And my pinky kind of hurts. Back to the talent show. I knew I was destined to stand on this stage from the moment they announced the talent show on the intercom. Not unlike how the stars of High School Musical were destined to perform for socially awkward teens across the nation. I felt called to the spotlight, but I just didn’t know what to do when I got there. After eliminating interpretive dancing, whistling with Saltines in my mouth, and opera, I chose this: motivational comedyism.

It’s a blend of two messed up concepts. Motivational speaking is when a sickeningly enthusiastic guy in his 20’s comes to the school assembly to talk to you about friendship. And then there’s stand-up comedy. Stand-up comedy is when an over-confident funny guy stands on the stage, holding the microphone stand like he’s about to dance the salsa with it, and tells jokes that are either good or bad. Now put them together. Motivational comedyism.

Oh, but I came prepared for my act tonight. I watched at least two dozen YouTube videos of professional comedians who tell jokes like they breathe, (which is, through their mouths). Two hours I sat in front of the computer with zero bathroom breaks and feeding on nothing but Gatorade and reduced-fat Triscuits. Afterwards, for whatever reason, I didn’t feel any funnier. My eyes hurt a little bit and I kind of needed to use the restroom, but I don’t think that meant anything.

SO you all must be wondering why I’m standing here today. I’m not really the type of guy to do stand-up at the school talent show, am I? I’m more of the nerd-type. Which brings me to the topic of our discussion today, children.

I seem to belong genetically to a certain category of teenage guys who sort of creep everyone out. You know who I’m talking about. The kids who always ate weird things in their sandwiches in grade school. The kids who ace science tests but have trouble pronouncing their r’s correctly. The kids who have imaginary friends until they hit about middle school when those imaginary friends get mixed up with the wrong crowd. The kids who always end up skipping prom to watch re-runs of The Twilight Zone. The Star Trek fans. The asthmatics. The kids who make squealing noises while we do push-ups in PE. That sort.

But I have a secret for you, as I stand up here today. (Don’t get too excited. If it was actually a good secret, I would only tell half of the kids I know). The secret is that I think the nerds will rise up against everyone else sooner or later. The secret is that the nerds will win out in the end.

This theory is kind of like the high school version of Marxism, except it’s even better. We nerds are never going to come to school one day with plastic swords and battle armor from Party City, intending to massacre anyone who’s ever bullied us. But once we emerge from high school with a low self-esteem and high GPA, life is going to get better for us. You have to remember, the nerds often get into the best colleges and get the best jobs. Then again, all of us go to Woodward. We can’t really say to bullies, “You may be laughing now, but later on in life you’ll serve me my French fries.” Instead, it’s like “You may be laughing now, but will you be laughing when I get my second PhD and you only have one?” Still, all the wealthiest people in the world are either nerds or politicians. Most times politicians aren’t really nerds, because as we all know, Americans really want to elect someone to office who they would just like to have a beer with.

All the movies agree with my theory. Ever seen Back to the Future? Michael J. Fox is in that movie as a guy named Marty who travels back in time to change his parents’ lives. Marty’s dad, George McFly, was a huge nerd. Every day when he went to school, this really beefy bully named Biff always said “Hey, McFly. Your shoe’s untied.” And when he looked down at his shoes, Biff would flick McFly’s nose with his thumb. Then George McFly always went “Oh, Biff.” I could never believe how stupid he was for falling for that trick over and over again, and I could never belief how stupid I was when I went to school and fell for that trick over and over again. But anyways, George McFly turns out to be a really successful science fiction novelist. Then again, Marty had to go back in time and pull some strings to make that happen, so maybe this isn’t a good example.

Instead, just watch The Breakfast Club. Ghostbusters. Revenge of the Nerds. All Nerds Go to Heaven. They all say the same thing: the losers, geeks, weirdoes, and nerds are really the coolest kids out there. We just have trouble speaking our minds because we’re usually wearing retainers.

So this message goes out to the bullies, the jocks, and all the good-looking students in the audience with great hair. This goes out to any cruel adolescent with an ego strong enough to power Chicago for a year. This goes out to all the kids who don’t recycle. Wait—scratch that last.

Next time you see the opportunity to be mean to a kid just because he’s a nerd, remember the benefits you receive from being nice to him instead. 1) He could do all of your homework for you, no fee. 2) You get way better Karma. And 3) you’ll be the very first one he takes to the Comic Con. when all of the other tickets are sold out.

Thank you and may the force be with you."