A Missing Girlfriend and Sex Change Surgery

I just wanted to open with a bang. First of all, I think I'll ease all of your tensions and just say that it's not me getting a sex change. Breathe out.

Before anything else, I have a thought for you to muse over today. Actually, it's a list.

Things That People Say in the English Language That Don't Make Any Sense:

1. "I could care less." If they're trying to sound like they don't care, then shouldn't they say that they couldn't care less?

2. "It goes without saying." People say this phrase and always end up saying it! Whatever "it" is!

3. "I don't give a shit." Last week, I heard somebody say "My dad doesn't give a shit about me." In contrast, could his friend say, "Oh. My parents do give a shit about me"?

4. "Screw that." How?

5. "Knock yourself out." No!

Actually, that's all I can think of off of the top of my head. Wait! That's another one!

6. "That's all I can think of off the top of my head." People don't think at the tops of their heads! They think at the center! In their brains.

Well, that's all I can think of at the moment. But the English language has a lot of strange expressions. And unnamed dialects. For instance, teenagers have switched around the words "like" and "love." They say "I love your shoes" and "I love that class!" When they're talking about having a crush on someone, they say "I like you." "I think I'm falling in like with you."

Onto the headlines! "Girlfriend Goes Missing." "Christopher's Friend Gets a Sex Change." "James Has a Great Birthday."

Did I just make that reference?

My girlfriend has gone missing. No word from her in a week. I know what everyone is thinking. "A week. This guy is a creep." Sure, I'm a creep, but a week is still a long time! That's like six months in stalker years! But last week we had this adorable date set up at PF Changs. The day before, I call her and it turns out she's at this "camp." (Don't ask me. I guess it's a pre-summer summer camp.) First thing she says is "mind if I put you on speaker phone?" I'm then interrogated by what must have been forty six teenage girls who are very angry at me. I have no idea what any of them are saying and eventually hang up. The next day, she cancels. The next week, no word from her. There is some dark ju-ju going on here.

She better call me soon or I'm proposing again to Lara.

Before I leave the topic of Ms. Westmoreland, I might mention something else. She's moving!!!!!!!!! To Conneticut. I think I scared her off. But gee, she doesn't have to move halfway across the country. They're called restraining orders. And believe me, once someone gets a restraining order, I back off.

And I believe I mentioned that my other sweetheart is moving away too? California. Gee, what is wrong with me? Why not just go ahead and move to China? That would be the very safest! I've concluded that this particular woman doesn't really like me that way, so that was never going anywhere. I hope some of you are crossing your fingers for me. Actually-don't really. They might get stuck.

I guess all of this moving away is best for all of us, though. I'm a very tentative secret admirer. After the first eleven years of knowing a girl, I'll finally summon the courage to say "I think you're pretty." Twenty years before I say "Would you like to go to the movies with me?" Sixty years to propose.

And speaking of moving away, that brings me to the last topic of our discussion today. Although I am reluctant.

About a month ago, friend from my school e-mails me at about eleven at night saying that he needs to tell me something important. It can't be over the phone, and he refuses to even say anything in the e-mail. Instead he includes a bunch of links to ultra-safe and encoded personal documents containing the real message. There are three documents.

The first one provides me with a link to the national transsexual assosciation website and a link to a 60 question quiz to determine whether or not you're a transsexual.

The second document explains everything. He took the quiz and was determined as a definite transsexual. His Mom strongly suggested that he trust the association's word on the matter and she gives him one of two options: 1) Have the sex-change surgery and take the hormone pills that will help turn him into a woman. 2) Surgically have a year of his memory erased so that he doesn't mentally consider himself a transsexual.

The third document: he invites me to the movies. But that's not important right now.

He's moving halfway across the country to get the surgery.

How does one react to this?

To my credit, I think I've reacted well. More updates later.

Keep reading, you guys.

You know I love you all.