Saturday, January 23, 2010

A Blog By Me For Everyone And Made in China

Here, Christopher is encountered by an anonymous but extremely attractive girl of his age, who is desperate to discover more about him so they can marry in college, have two children--one named Shawn and the other Vivian, and then divorce after a surprising length of 32 years. (For the record, this anonymous and beautiful girl did not get pregnant before marriage. Good for us.)
What's your name?


I love that name! My name is...(here she says her name. It's a beautiful/strange name, but not the type you get in romance novels.)

"Oh. Hi." I'm blushing like a second grade Catholic school girl who has just been told that her blouse is pretty.

Hey, you know what would be cool? If we were the same age! So how old are you? I'm 27."


That's okay! You should ask me out! (At this point I realize that I imagined her saying this, and I try to recall what she actually said.)

"Uh, yeah."

So what do you look like?

I stare at her in befuddlement, wondering why she asked me about my appearance even though she could see me. Considering I'm talking and thinking at the same time, I do the usual and stumble over my words. God, I'm an idiot.


What do you look like?

Fine, then. My writer instincts kick in (more or less...mostly less). This is hypothetical anyway, so what the hell? "I am the real-world counterpart of the misunderstood troll in the fantasy novels, perfectly completed by the fact that I have a twin brother. We're the two inept, overgrown, brutish trolls who can get dates if they try really hard, but those dates just have to be other big trolls. We guard the princess, who most ironically happens to be our sister. She's not exactly beautiful, but she's petite and everyone adores her like a...princess standing next to two trolls.

"On a different note, the Asian woman at the glasses place says I have high cheek bones, 'so I can be a model'. That was the best news I've heard in a long time," (he says in a voice dripping with the dark sarcasm that only the disturbed kids possess). "Another option had just been added to my wealth of opportunities in life. Now one of them was to spend the rest of my life devoting my masculinity to the camera, alongside a bunch of Italian gays with bad lisps but good chests.

"So combine overgrown teenage troll, high cheek bones, and now add the this: Blond. Blue-eyed. Pale skin that blushes in a second. And you have me."

I look around. What do you know? She's gone. Why do I talk so much at all the WRONG TIMES?
I'm Christopher. I'm technically a teenager. I pride myself in fitting the definition of being a nerd, but when you subtract everything necessary and proper, you'll probably end up with the definition of a Christopher.

Cited from "Christopher: 1. me 2. another meaningless face smudged against a world where recognition is a luxury"

The blog that comes with this definition of me serves the purpose for me to write on it as a journal without fear of prying eyes of familiar friends who are all too willing to blackmail me. I've seen Read it and Weep only once, but I learned my lesson! This blog is for no real-world buddy to lay his eyes on and e-mail the link to everyone he's ever met and recorded in his contacts.

Therefore I won’t be afraid to live out the ultimate definition of ME. For example, I’m not afraid to admit to the online world that I’ve seen Read it and Weep.

So if you want to, follow this blog. Comment if you're feeling generous. Keep reading. If not, forget me entirely.

But for now: Bye!

1 people secretly have a crush on me:

Eeshie said...

First of all, you must know that I'm a pretty dedicated follower/reader/leprechaun slave who follows you around and feeds you grapes to actually be curious about what your first ever post was like.

Second, YOU ARE A GENIUS. A GENIUS. You are a genius as to not telling your real-life friends about your blog. I'm stupid - I told everyone except family. And now I have all my friends knowing all about my life. At least I only told the friends that I left behind in my suburban town. Here in NYC, no one knows I have a blog.

And well, I plan on keeping it that way.

Anyway. It's pretty shocking to see that a post of yours doesn't have like, a million comments. You've come a long way, huh? Well, congratulations on it all. I just realized that you've got like, the nicest followers/commenters ever.

Anyway...I've seen Read it and Weep like, six times. Awesome movie, it is.