Some Pricey Advice for Priceless Readers--Or Is It the Other Way Around?

The following are traits I despise in a person:

1) Using me when they need me and ignoring me otherwise

2) Manipulating me like I'm a sedated lab mouse in a twisted science experiment

3) Pathological lying

4) The action of ever giving someone the silent treatment for months at a time

5) Tossing around the word "love" like it's Simon Birch in Sunday School

6) Texting while I'm trying to talk to you about something pointless

7) Walking too fast

8) Choosing Sex Drive as your favorite movie

Imagine all of these traits sandwiched into one person--like some really cheap breakfast burrito with runny eggs, too much cheese, and bloated potatoes. Oh, and when they delivered the breakfast burrito to you in tin foil, they didn't even label what stuff it had in it, so if you're going to deliver a bunch of breakfast burritos to a big group of people, you don't know which burrito to give which person. And everyone has to stop what they're doing and help unwrap every single burrito and sniff it and inspect it to see what it has in it. And after twenty minutes, you've finally gotten your burrito, but some random guy already took a huge bite out of it before putting it back in the tin foil. Who even does that?

Sigh.

So yes, maybe some of you have a similar person in your life. Are they tiring you out? Making you feel worthless and exasperated? Well, here's the solution! Next time they come crawling back to you, kick some dirt in their face. Ha! You can't crawl with that concentration of dust in your lungs!

And in twenty years when you're insanely famous and wealthy, they'll tell all the news reporters that they knew you in your teenage years. You're asked about this on national television. How do you respond?

"No, sorry. I've never heard of them before."

Take that.