Wednesday, November 23, 2011

My Last Post--And It's Going to Be More Jam-Packed With Goodness Than Katy Perry's Luscious, Celestial Breasts

And I chose Katy Perry's breasts because they really are fantastic. Like, beyond compare. But yes, hopefully this post will be just as jam-packed with goodness as I have just advertised. It's probably going to take me several days to write. Not because it's that amazing or because it even takes a lot of hard work, but because I'm just really lazy now that I've gotten out of blogging habit and because I have fat fingers.

So right now I'm starting my very last post of The Nerd Archives the day before Thanksgiving, at just about eleven o'clock, listening to the song "Keep a Friend" by Dr. Dog.

First of all, I thought I might as well open the post by mentioning that girl who I have been continually attempting to seduce. Well, I still haven't professed love. I have 1) touched her knee, 2) told her she was beautiful, 3) put my arm around her during a romantic scene in a movie, and 4) called her "pumpkin."

I feel like I've done all right, but I'm not picking up any vibes back from her. I'm not good at picking up vibes. She's a year older than me. High school girls out there reading this, PLEASE tell me. If you were in your last year of high school, and there was a guy a year younger than you who you may or not consider to be attractive, would you go out with him? I just want to know if I stand a chance. This girl is not only gorgeous--I feel good around her. Like if I wanted to, I could pick up a car with three fingers or grow a mustache in ten seconds.

But I don't know if she's being nice to me because she likes me or because she's just a nice person. I wish she would say something.

The idea has struck me that I could profess love to her in Spanish, which she doesn't speak a word of. This is what I was thinking:

Sabes, me gustas mucho. Eres bonita y inteligente y graciosa y simpática y todo. No eres como ningún otra chica. Algún día, quiero casarte y tener cien hijos. Quiero vivir contigo en una casa en Florence con los cien hijos y un perro llamado Anna Karenina. Ahora, sin embargo, estaría contento si pudiera darte un beso--si pudiera mirarte los ojos y lamer tu cara. Yo sé que soy menor que tu, pero solo se tiene una vida, y no quiero vivir una vida sin ti.

I could do French as well, but the trouble is I think she speaks some French. The only remaining option is German, but I don't know very much German at all, so this would be about the best I could do.

Du bist eine gute, große Frau. Ich will meine Hände auf Ihrem Körper. Wo ist deine Mutter? Danken Ihr für mich. Sie ist eine gute Katze. Du sowie. Jetzt tun die Liebe mit mir! Was ist das Prognosis?

(I threw that last bit in there even though it's totally irrelevant because it's my favorite German phrase.) I think that's pretty good. I don't want to risk it, if she does know German, though, because that one was considerably weirder than the first one. Although both are significantly creepy. Forget her, though! Well, don't forget her quite yet. Give me some advice. Tell me I'm handsome and cool and charismatic and could have any girl I wanted if I put my mind to it. No, I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder--I just wish I did. It would make everything so much easier.

Have you guys heard of BriTANicK? If not, you're going to want to thank me in about nine milliseconds. Watch this and this and this. Then jizz your pants.

Our next order of business is a review of the movie Zombieland, which I saw just a few weeks ago, done in a Transylvanian accent!!!! Here's the review:


Notice I replaced the W with a V to make it sound Transylvanian.

My next next order of business is to proudly announce my final follower count and total page views! This I will do in an Irish accent. You won't really notice, though, because I'm writing, not talking. But just use your imagination.

Followers? 168. Yeah, I wanted to reach 200 but that wasn't gonna happen. Unless any of you have been hiding 32 potential followers from me in your pants. Come on. Whip em out. You can't hide them any longer. Don't think I haven't noticed that suspicious bulge in your trousers. I KNOW YOU'RE HIDING THEM.

Total page views, at least since I installed the gadget a few months ago? About 19,500. That's pretty good, I think. I wouldn't really know. Probably 19,000 of those are mine, but that still leaves about 500 from you guys.

Now I want to thank some people. I'm tearing up a bit. Tears are streaming down my face and turning to flowers when they hit the floor. I'm that sad.

As you can see, I have a fair amount of followers, but many of them are long gone. Some, however, have stuck with me until the very end, and I'd like to thank them specifically. YUUHH BOY TIME FOR SOME SHOUT OUTS!!!

Boyd from Boyd's World: Did you guys know his name wasn't really Boyd? Cha, it only took me like a year to figure that one out. But anyway, he's hilarious, he listens to Zeppelin, and he has pretty great hair that kinda makes him remind me of Jack White. Boyd, call me when you become famous one day! But not until then, or it'd just be weird.

RainboRevovler from I Wish I Were British: The first time I saw this blog I was like gahh no way I wish I was British too! And it's true. I think everyone does. Julia is very funny in an extremely dry way, and she's a great writer too. Considering I'm not exactly a regular party-goer myself, she also provides interesting insight into the life of a raver. Julia, I'm gonna miss you and your many hairstyles. Stay golden.

Eeshie from I Don't Skinny Dip...I Chunky Dunk: Eeshie has been mean to me sometimes, but I can forgive her for that because she's really nice and she sends me a lot of very fashionable, great hats to wear on the holidays. Her blog is awesome and I love her even though she's a Slytherin. Eeshie, you will always hold a place in my heart. I'll never forget you, darling

Jessica from Lemons Don't Make Lemonade: She likes talking about sex. Like, a lot. Even more than I do. Which was startling for me to figure out. But her blog is very funny and sometimes I get an erection while reading it. She posts hilarious pictures, something I've always neglected to do and which has lost me probably the success of this blog. But, Jessica, good luck in life and I hope your love of sex continues to grow and grow and grow.

Gabi from Crazy Socks and Ninja Bunnies: As you can tell from her blog name, Gabi is wacky. She does this hilarious thing on her blog where she has multiple personalities all having a conversation with one another. One time I laughed so hard I peed my pants. Yeah, thanks a lot, Gabi. I happened to like those pants. Anyway. Gabi, my advice to you is to hold onto your wacky and bizarre personality. Don't let it go like Kate Winslet let go of Leonard DiCaprio at the end of Titanic. THERE WAS ENOUGH ROOM FOR THE BOTH OF YOU, KATE!

Bookish.Spazz from, not unexpectedly, Bookish Spazz: Bookish is very cool. She's a cool cat, is what she is. Her posts are always fun and interesting and she also is a very wacky person. I've never asked her, but I think of her as very much a cat person. Which is a good thing, in my book. To Bookish I leave my copy of Tales of the Beedle and the Bard, in the hopes that she will find it entertaining and instructive.

Cosette from Like a Tapir: She hasn't been with us all that long, but I had no choice to include her on this list because I love her blog and because she's been such a fantastic follower. I don't know if she's from Canada or not, but for some reason I've always thought she was from Canada. Or Minnesota. Anyway, Cosette, I love your blog name and I sincerely hope it's your real name because it's awesome! Good luck in life!

Kay from The Cerulean Skies: Kay is awesome beyond belief. She leaves the most subtle but funny, clever, thought-provoking comments on my blog. And her blog is so delicious it's like being hit in the face with a chocolate chess pie. Each of her blog posts is a little gift from heaven. Just like babies. Anyway, Kay, I love you and God does too and I hope you keep writing forever and ever.

Furree Katt from Furree Katt: I've always loved her blog and especially her blog name. She's super nice and a very interesting person and even though she's absolutely blogger famous, she always swings by and says hi whenever I'm feeling lonely. Furree Katt, good luck in life! I'll always think of you whenever I think of people who spell the word "cat" wrong!

Abby from Lounge Act: I've tried to express to you people numerous times the magnitude of amazingness this blog possesses. If you don't read it by now, anyway, you should. She hasn't been posting so much in the past few months, like many of us, but her writing is beyond spectacular. Abby, you are a jewel. Farewell, my sweet!

L from [I Am Unimaginative]: Last but most certainly not least!! I would never ever ever in my long-legged life choose my favorite blogger, because I don't pick favorites, but if someone held a gun to my head and demanded that I choose one, (don't ask why I would find myself in that situation--it's plausible, okay?), I might just choose L. Her posts are funky, hilarious, and also funky. Did I mention funky? I love her blog and shh...I'm also reading her book. (L, I'll get back to you about that really soon.) And it's fantastic. But I can't say too much shhhhh. She's also Jewish. NOT LIKE THAT MATTERS. But it certainly doesn't hurt. It definitely wins her a few bonus points in my book. Anyway, goodbye for now, Jen! I have faith that I'll see you very soon. Well, I'll see you. But you may not see me.

Some of you may be wondering, wait, why is That Blond Guy saying goodbye if he's going to continue writing on his super-awesome, spectacular, amazing, fantastic other blog, Yesterday Upon the Stair? Well, that's a good question, person-who-I-most-certainly-did-not-pay-to-say-those-things-about-my-blog.

I WILL continue writing on that blog, and hopefully at more regular intervals, but I will not often be out and about in the blogosphere, as I have been here. Hopefully I'll be spending more time out in nature. More time reading, writing, thinking, and more time interacting with people and having experiences. More time to witness sunsets. More time to eat blueberries. Most importantly, in fact, more time to eat blueberries.

So that's why I'm saying goodbye to all of you now. And also, I really like saying goodbyes. As you can tell. I hate leaving someone without saying a proper goodbye. It kills me. It eats me up inside. And I like sentiment. As you can tell from the fact that nine-tenths of the movies I have mentioned on this blog have been romantic comedies. But I digress.

I do hope that you all will continue to read my other blog, the link to which can be found at the top of the page, but I won't be annoying about it. If you like poetry, art, and Mel Gibson, just stop by sometime.

I think this post needs to be winding to a close. My last and perhaps most important order of business is to introduce my web comic. The site is finally up and running. The site is and the comic is called The Toble Chronicles. It's a comic BY super-awesome people FOR super-awesome people. And super-awesome people only. So if you're not super-awesome, you can go fuck yourself.

Here's the link. It doesn't work on Internet Explorer yet, so do it on Mozilla Firefox or Google Chrome if you have those. If not, need I say it? I will, just in case. Go fuck yourself.

Well, it looks like my time here is coming to an end. I'm scared now. There's so much pressure. These are the last few words I'll be writing on The Nerd Archives. What do I say? Think of something profound! Quick! Ah, too late. Well, here are my closing words. They're not much, but they're...well..not much.

It's been a wild journey. I began this blog a nerd, and I'm certainly ending it a nerd. The Nerd Archives has been a father to me. A mother. A brother. A sister. A dog. A cousin. An aunt. A teacher. A student. An uncle. A grandparent. A husband. A wife. A pediatrician. A watchmaker. A tailor. And perhaps above all: it's been a dentist. A great dentist.

Never be ashamed of who you are. Be proud of it, even if you, like me, are a nerd who watches weird TV shows and eats band-aids. Life will get better for you. Or maybe it will get worse. Who knows? Well, God does. The least you can do is exercise a lot and get good grades. The safest sex is no sex!

Farewell, my children!!! But first: check out this hat!

My final Movie Quote of the Day: "That'll do, Pig. That'll do." -Farmer, Babe

That Blond Guy

18 people secretly have a crush on me:

dirtycowgirl said...

Re the girl.

Sometimes you just gotta take the bull by the horn and go for it.
Kiss her.
What's the worst that can happen ?
Well ok maybe you catch cold sores or she bites your tongue, but really - she can say no. And at least then you'll know.
Or she might just kiss you back.

Good luck, I'll be following over on the other place - I have to - you made me a blog of specialness there and I do indeed secretly have a crush on you after that.
Even though I am old enough to make that wrong.
Very wrong.

Katie said...

I think you should ask her out. My best friend is a senior and she's 18. For the longest time she liked a 16yo sophomore. So yeah, go for it.

I'll miss you!

L. said...

Ending blogs is a bittersweet feeling. I've been there before. My first blog was a bit rubbish. But that happens; you live and you learn.

I love what you wrote in Spanish. Though here is a tip - si quieres cien ninos, debes cerciorarte su vagina no sera morir.

Horrible grammar, but hey. I'm only in Spanish three, I'm not fricking fluent.

I say just go up to her and kiss her. What have you got to lose? I'm shy as a turtle around people. There are so many things that I wish that I did but I didn't. Like in You've Got Mail. I'm like Meg Ryan. All of my best comebacks come to me when I'm home snuggled under my duvet psychoanalyzing my life.

I'm trying to make my last comment on The Nerd Archives poignant and special, but somehow I don't think it'll get a prize or anything.

It's been fun Christopher. You've made me giggle and chortle and very nearly throw my laptop at the wall with all of your cryptic-ness sometimes. But I like to think of the chortling bits. Because that makes me feel like a happy, socially normal person. And shouldn't everyone feel like that?

I'm sorry this comment is so freaking long. It just is.

Continue being who you are Christopher, because who you are is awesome. I'll see you soon, yes?

Bye and Bye and Bye and Bye and Bye again. You've made my life a little brighter. And for that I thank you.

Love and kisses,

Bookish.Spazz said...

Cool hat.

Anonymous said...

Wait, why is That Blond Guy saying goodbye if he's going to continue writing on his super-awesome, spectacular, amazing, fantastic other blog, Yesterday Upon the Stair?

(I didn't get paid to say that.)

Also, thank you so much for including me on this list. You are wonderful, and I love your hat.

Pretty good, eh? (Tra la la, Canada. Tra la la, cholera.)

Also, keep talking to me because you are lovely. Yay.

Eeshie said...

ASGFDGFEGWFDGWFTEYFGFDGFEDE. I can't believe you're really ending this blog! Noo! I wish I could still convince you to not end this blog, but you're mind is obviously set.


You've been one of my absolute favorite bloggers, hands down (Along with probably Ash and Natalie and a few other people). I can remember the many times last year when I abandoned my piles of homework just to read your damn blog. Yeah, thanks for fueling my procrastination. It's probably because of you that my average wasn't the highest in the grade. But anyway, you're so fucking hilarious that I need to use curse words for emphasis. I think it's a shame that you keep this side of you suppressed around other people, because THIS is the real you. You always call yourself a nerd and stuff, but c'mon. What is a nerd, and who even defines what a 'nerd' is anyway? Don't let other people decide who you are. Tell them, "BITCH PLEASE." Tell them that you're Christopher: A hilarious, wonderfully cynical, super attractive, lover-of-writing, deeply artistic high schooler. You have such an awesome personality that I'm almost jealous, but then I'm glad because it just fits you.

Ugh, I didn't want to make this comment sappy, but I guess I can't help it.

Will you still read our blogs and comment here and there to let us know you're still alive?

Ugh. Don't remind me about being in Slytherin! I'm still upset about that...

As for the girl, I think you should just be the way you are with US to HER. It's really that simple.

I watched the BriTANick videos and I kind of laughed like crazy. But, y'know.

Loving the hat.

This comment is getting frightfully long, so I think I'll end it here. Good bye good bye good bye Christopher. It's been an unforgettable experience. I wish you good luck in life, and I know you're going to be successful. Come back when you're about to graduate high school and update us on your college acceptances, yes?

Love, Eeshie


RainboRevolver said...

Please don't go.
Or, go, but give me your email, because I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive without your witty tales and such. Not trying to be a creeper, mind you.

You're blog has been such an inspiration to me as well as 167 other people.

You will be sorely missed and, if in the unlikely event that you choose to return, will receive warm welcome.

Sighh.. I suppose this is goodbye. *insert huge hug here*

Have a nice day, lovely.

Furree Katt said...

in my opinion you SHOULD profess your love to that girl as soon as possible! write her a letter or something (and don't sign it as 'anonymous' or 'your secret admirer' please) if you don't have the courage to kiss her.

i will look out for your posts on Yesterday Upon The Stair (i really like the name of that blog) and on Lizard Worm.

and thank you for mentioning me in your post, i really do feel extremely special and happy about that shout-out. it really means a lot to me. your blog has always been one of my favourites! :) i will really miss you lots and lots and i hope that you get all the good things life has to offer, because you totally deserve them.

i love you lots like jelly tots and even more than vodka shots.

bye ♥

Vice Versa said...

I'm really really sad you're ending this blog. I'm going to miss it. :(

I think you definitely have a shot with the girl. you should just tell her.

I love the hat :)

Nicolas Lopez said...

Oh my. I just realised what a TERRIBLE and ATROCIOUS follower I have been. I haven't really kept up with many of the blogs I follow lately, and now I feel very guilty for it is just now that I realise that you are ending this blog. Just letting you know that this was a hilariouss and amazing blog that I'll fo' sure miss reading. (lol getting overly dramatic even though you have another one.) I also just realised that this is probably the first time Ive commented on one of your posts in a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time (reprise "im a terrible and atrocious follower" xD)
anyways I feel even more terrible seeing the length of the comments above mine. but its the feeling that counts! or whatever.

so yeah.

peace, thanks, good luck, and other probably unnecessary and unlacking-in-overkill goodbyes~~

Tegan said...


OK, well, you have to let this girl know how goddamn hilarious you are. seriously. also from what I can tell (unless you've been doing major photoshop work) you kinda look like my boyfriend. so, basically, if it all fails with this girl and she's actually a frigid bitch and you've gone past the whole "sitting and crying and eating haagen dazs stage and wondering why you can't be really cool like ashton kutcher from that 70s show" stage, then find a girl who is a redhead, who is kind of weird and go for her!

Your blog is hilarious. You are amazing. You will go on to do good things...

sending hugs from London

Anonymous said...

I could write a lovely letter explaining how I'll miss you, what your blog meant to me, etc., but all of it boils down into these words: GOSHDARNIT I WILL MISS YOU VERY MUCH.

You're fabulous. Stay that way. Also, give me your email so we can email.

Also, that hat is beautiful.

Gabi said...

I will miss this blog so much. Argh.

On the girl.
I mean, I ended up with a guy a year older than me once. I even perceived him as being out of my league. SO YOU HAVE HOPE.
You need confidence. Don't foil your own plans by being insecure. SHE LET YOU PUT YOUR ARM AROUND HER. And if you touched her knee and she let you, that is a very very good sign. Girls are serious about this knee touching thing, you know. (I'm kidding about the seriousness. But not about anything else.) YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL ON THE INSIDE AND OUT.

Those videos are great.

Congratulations on your final follower number, and I feel really really super-special (super-special is my new word) to have a shout out.

That hat is really cool. I had one like it except pink until my dog ate it. I felt really Canadian with it. BUT THIS IS ABOUT YOU. You have nice eyebrows. Or eyebrow bones? I do not know these things.

I shall sorely miss your blog.

Know how many days of people you've made brighter. (Answer: A lot.)
Keep being awesome.

This comment is becoming obnoxiously long and I've decided that it's a little bit creepy considering that I haven't, like, actually communicated with you besides my general obnoxiously long comments.

I'm gonna go now.


Ash said...

Last post?
"This is madness!" - Dude who gets kicked down a hole

But yeah I get ya. I've wondered a few times how long I'll keep posting on my blog and the thought of closing it has passed my mind before. But then I do a post and get comments from people who've become essentially friends, even though we've never met. It's a weird feeling, but a damn good one. And that feeling always keeps me coming back.

Anyway, I hope you don't drop from the scene completely, dude. Hope to see you commenting and stuff around the place.


Boyd said...

I'm trying to decide whether to go with a witty, manly comment, or to just collapse weeping at your feet.

It's been a good run, my friend. You never jumped the shark, and for that you should be proud. You always posted quality content, and made it worth everyone's time to read.

I think you're inspiring me to get away from the computer a little more as well. I'll go out into nature, steal a small personal airplane, maybe fly to Atlanta...ya know, the simple things in life.

As for the girl, just be the you that you are on this blog. People tend to enjoy it when someone is just all-out crazy acting, so why wouldn't this girl? Kiss her, it for me!

Thanks for the shout-out, really meant a lot to me, and I mean that. A lot.

*tear forms in eye*

We should, uh, exchange emails or something. You know. About nerdy things.

Salut, mon frere.

AK said...

That was probably the best post ever, which is good cause you wanted it to be. You Sam, Mathew, and Caleb are definitely the best friends I've ever had. Your blog has made me happy when I'm sad, and not much can do that. Keep the web-comic awesome, and good luck with the girl.

Also, stop eating my band-aids.

Anonymous said...

About the girl.....respect always works to get into the scene. From what I've read so far... you wouldn't really appreciate the suggestion, I guess... but I have a pretty similar situation. Except- I'm the one in last year of high school, and there is a boy pretty much like you (any guesses? One year junior to me) who's been hounding me for a while.
Be yourself. but try to slip in that sudden intense, "I-respect-you" moment...and she might fall for it.

PS- I like your blog, you're annoyingly funny

Much love,
all the best :)

Anonymous said...