And I chose Katy Perry's breasts because they really are fantastic. Like, beyond compare. But yes, hopefully this post will be just as jam-packed with goodness as I have just advertised. It's probably going to take me several days to write. Not because it's that amazing or because it even takes a lot of hard work, but because I'm just really lazy now that I've gotten out of blogging habit and because I have fat fingers.
So right now I'm starting my very last post of The Nerd Archives the day before Thanksgiving, at just about eleven o'clock, listening to the song "Keep a Friend" by Dr. Dog.
First of all, I thought I might as well open the post by mentioning that girl who I have been continually attempting to seduce. Well, I still haven't professed love. I have 1) touched her knee, 2) told her she was beautiful, 3) put my arm around her during a romantic scene in a movie, and 4) called her "pumpkin."
I feel like I've done all right, but I'm not picking up any vibes back from her. I'm not good at picking up vibes. She's a year older than me. High school girls out there reading this, PLEASE tell me. If you were in your last year of high school, and there was a guy a year younger than you who you may or not consider to be attractive, would you go out with him? I just want to know if I stand a chance. This girl is not only gorgeous--I feel good around her. Like if I wanted to, I could pick up a car with three fingers or grow a mustache in ten seconds.
But I don't know if she's being nice to me because she likes me or because she's just a nice person. I wish she would say something.
The idea has struck me that I could profess love to her in Spanish, which she doesn't speak a word of. This is what I was thinking:
Sabes, me gustas mucho. Eres bonita y inteligente y graciosa y simpática y todo. No eres como ningún otra chica. Algún día, quiero casarte y tener cien hijos. Quiero vivir contigo en una casa en Florence con los cien hijos y un perro llamado Anna Karenina. Ahora, sin embargo, estaría contento si pudiera darte un beso--si pudiera mirarte los ojos y lamer tu cara. Yo sé que soy menor que tu, pero solo se tiene una vida, y no quiero vivir una vida sin ti.
I could do French as well, but the trouble is I think she speaks some French. The only remaining option is German, but I don't know very much German at all, so this would be about the best I could do.
Du bist eine gute, große Frau. Ich will meine Hände auf Ihrem Körper. Wo ist deine Mutter? Danken Ihr für mich. Sie ist eine gute Katze. Du sowie. Jetzt tun die Liebe mit mir! Was ist das Prognosis?
(I threw that last bit in there even though it's totally irrelevant because it's my favorite German phrase.) I think that's pretty good. I don't want to risk it, if she does know German, though, because that one was considerably weirder than the first one. Although both are significantly creepy. Forget her, though! Well, don't forget her quite yet. Give me some advice. Tell me I'm handsome and cool and charismatic and could have any girl I wanted if I put my mind to it. No, I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder--I just wish I did. It would make everything so much easier.
Have you guys heard of BriTANicK? If not, you're going to want to thank me in about nine milliseconds. Watch this and this and this. Then jizz your pants.
IT VAS AWESOME
Well, it looks like my time here is coming to an end. I'm scared now. There's so much pressure. These are the last few words I'll be writing on The Nerd Archives. What do I say? Think of something profound! Quick! Ah, too late. Well, here are my closing words. They're not much, but they're...well..not much.
It's been a wild journey. I began this blog a nerd, and I'm certainly ending it a nerd. The Nerd Archives has been a father to me. A mother. A brother. A sister. A dog. A cousin. An aunt. A teacher. A student. An uncle. A grandparent. A husband. A wife. A pediatrician. A watchmaker. A tailor. And perhaps above all: it's been a dentist. A great dentist.
Never be ashamed of who you are. Be proud of it, even if you, like me, are a nerd who watches weird TV shows and eats band-aids. Life will get better for you. Or maybe it will get worse. Who knows? Well, God does. The least you can do is exercise a lot and get good grades. The safest sex is no sex!
Farewell, my children!!! But first: check out this hat!
My final Movie Quote of the Day: "That'll do, Pig. That'll do." -Farmer, Babe
That Blond Guy