Hello! Welcome to The Nerd Archives! Unfortunately, I'm going to have to ask you to turn your ass right back around and go back to wherever you came from.
I am saying this because The Nerd Archives is no longer in existence. Well, it technically is, clearly. But it's not. This is more like a museum of sorts. Except it's my museum, so there are no grubby little children allowed and people who talk too much get shot on the spot.
Despite the fact that I ended this blog several months ago, it continues to get more traffic than my other blog, Yesterday Upon the Stair, which I still maintain.
This irritates me.
I have consequently decided to post a welcome message in which I direct you to either my other blog, Yesterday Upon the Stair, or my web comic, The Toble Chronicles, and invite you to go there instead of crashing here like a bunch of drunk hippies with no place to go.
I do very much miss The Nerd Archives and the community built up around it, but I'm no sooner going to bring it back to life than shave my head. And that's not gonna happen.
But for those of you wondering, I thought I might say this because I miss whining on this blog. The girl? Still not happening yet. I finally got her to give me her number, but it was a bogus number. Apparently that was totally by accident, but she didn't know her number off the top of her head, so I still don't have it.
I don't think she likes me. Which makes me sad. But I'm damn well going to try one last time before I just give up. I've assigned someone as my wing man, so at least I can make a total fool of myself if all else goes wrong. Because if I haven't made a total fool of myself by the time this whole ordeal is over, I haven't succeeded.
I got a Deathly Hallows necklace off eBay. It's pretty dope. Oh! And I joined the musical. Hairspray. I'm one of the Nicest Kids in Town.
I miss you guys! And if you're here because you typed something into the search bar like "XXX porn nerd guy" or "aquarium penis pictures"...I don't even know what to tell you. Get a girlfriend. Or a job. Jesus. Just have some decency.
Cheers,
That Blond Guy
Monday, January 16, 2012
Welcoming Message for Those of You Who Are Stupid Heads
Posted by That Blond Guy at 7:04 PM 34 people secretly have a crush on me
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
My Last Post--And It's Going to Be More Jam-Packed With Goodness Than Katy Perry's Luscious, Celestial Breasts
And I chose Katy Perry's breasts because they really are fantastic. Like, beyond compare. But yes, hopefully this post will be just as jam-packed with goodness as I have just advertised. It's probably going to take me several days to write. Not because it's that amazing or because it even takes a lot of hard work, but because I'm just really lazy now that I've gotten out of blogging habit and because I have fat fingers.
So right now I'm starting my very last post of The Nerd Archives the day before Thanksgiving, at just about eleven o'clock, listening to the song "Keep a Friend" by Dr. Dog.
First of all, I thought I might as well open the post by mentioning that girl who I have been continually attempting to seduce. Well, I still haven't professed love. I have 1) touched her knee, 2) told her she was beautiful, 3) put my arm around her during a romantic scene in a movie, and 4) called her "pumpkin."
I feel like I've done all right, but I'm not picking up any vibes back from her. I'm not good at picking up vibes. She's a year older than me. High school girls out there reading this, PLEASE tell me. If you were in your last year of high school, and there was a guy a year younger than you who you may or not consider to be attractive, would you go out with him? I just want to know if I stand a chance. This girl is not only gorgeous--I feel good around her. Like if I wanted to, I could pick up a car with three fingers or grow a mustache in ten seconds.
But I don't know if she's being nice to me because she likes me or because she's just a nice person. I wish she would say something.
The idea has struck me that I could profess love to her in Spanish, which she doesn't speak a word of. This is what I was thinking:
Sabes, me gustas mucho. Eres bonita y inteligente y graciosa y simpática y todo. No eres como ningún otra chica. Algún día, quiero casarte y tener cien hijos. Quiero vivir contigo en una casa en Florence con los cien hijos y un perro llamado Anna Karenina. Ahora, sin embargo, estaría contento si pudiera darte un beso--si pudiera mirarte los ojos y lamer tu cara. Yo sé que soy menor que tu, pero solo se tiene una vida, y no quiero vivir una vida sin ti.
I could do French as well, but the trouble is I think she speaks some French. The only remaining option is German, but I don't know very much German at all, so this would be about the best I could do.
Du bist eine gute, große Frau. Ich will meine Hände auf Ihrem Körper. Wo ist deine Mutter? Danken Ihr für mich. Sie ist eine gute Katze. Du sowie. Jetzt tun die Liebe mit mir! Was ist das Prognosis?
(I threw that last bit in there even though it's totally irrelevant because it's my favorite German phrase.) I think that's pretty good. I don't want to risk it, if she does know German, though, because that one was considerably weirder than the first one. Although both are significantly creepy. Forget her, though! Well, don't forget her quite yet. Give me some advice. Tell me I'm handsome and cool and charismatic and could have any girl I wanted if I put my mind to it. No, I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder--I just wish I did. It would make everything so much easier.
Have you guys heard of BriTANicK? If not, you're going to want to thank me in about nine milliseconds. Watch this and this and this. Then jizz your pants.
IT VAS AWESOME
Well, it looks like my time here is coming to an end. I'm scared now. There's so much pressure. These are the last few words I'll be writing on The Nerd Archives. What do I say? Think of something profound! Quick! Ah, too late. Well, here are my closing words. They're not much, but they're...well..not much.
It's been a wild journey. I began this blog a nerd, and I'm certainly ending it a nerd. The Nerd Archives has been a father to me. A mother. A brother. A sister. A dog. A cousin. An aunt. A teacher. A student. An uncle. A grandparent. A husband. A wife. A pediatrician. A watchmaker. A tailor. And perhaps above all: it's been a dentist. A great dentist.
Never be ashamed of who you are. Be proud of it, even if you, like me, are a nerd who watches weird TV shows and eats band-aids. Life will get better for you. Or maybe it will get worse. Who knows? Well, God does. The least you can do is exercise a lot and get good grades. The safest sex is no sex!
Farewell, my children!!! But first: check out this hat!
My final Movie Quote of the Day: "That'll do, Pig. That'll do." -Farmer, Babe
Cheers,
That Blond Guy
Posted by That Blond Guy at 7:07 PM 18 people secretly have a crush on me
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I Feel Like Shit Right Now
Everytime I feel like this I try to remind myself of things like "Happiness is a choice" and shit like that. Well, I don't think it's shit. I think it's true. But sometimes, when you feel like shit, you just feel like shit.
I don't know why I'm writing my post, because I'm going to regret it later when I look back and see that my second-to-last post on The Nerd Archives was a post about how I felt like shit. But write these wimpy-ass posts where I bitch about my stupid white boy problems has been one of my favorite parts of The Nerd Archives. So I thought I might as well.
Actually, I'm not going to talk about why I feel like shit. I don't want to go into it. I will, however, post a text conversation I had. I never thought I'd post text conversations ever ever ever, but I guess I was wrong. I had this about a week or two ago after my friend and I bumped into that girl I'd been avoiding for the entire year so far. It was at about 8. Here's how it goes. Also, yes, we actually did use all of this correct punctuation and impeccable grammer. You don't make many friends when you're a Grammer Nazi, but it's worth it because you make friends with other Grammer Nazis.
Me: Also...about today.
Him: About what today?
Me: Nevamind.
Him: Now you have to tell me. Is it about the girl?
Me: Um. No.
Him: It's fine. Do. Not. Worry about it. You didn't look like an idiot at all. Trust me on that--I'm usually quite blunt.
Me: The thing is...I caught up with her later today.
Him: Oh, well, listen. Don't go into it if you don't want to. If you do, I'm listening.
Me: I do.
Him: Alright, what happened?
Me: She was reading, and I just walked up and said hi. Well, actually, first I had to knock on the window.
Him: Wait...What?
Me: Just listen.
Him: Okay.
Me: It turns out the window was unlocked, so I just let myself in. She was in her pajamas.
Him: Wait, how much later was this?
Me: About thirty minutes ago. She started screaming, which freaked me out, so I got all nervous and started knocking stuff over.
Him: Wha
Me: Then her mom came in and screamed too, because I was naked.
Him: What?!
Me: Then I started sobbing and yelling. I scrawled over to her bed and crept under the covers. They were so soft...so soft...
Him: Um, well, okay. Hey. Are you anywhere near my house? Just wondering.
Me: I'm at your house. Gimme some sugar mama. Give your baby some sugar.
Him: I'm calling the cops.
Me: NO POLICE. PLEASE NO POLICE. I DON'T WANNA GO BACK TO THE DARK PLACE.
*End of conversation.*
That really was the end of the conversation, because he really did call the police and then the fun was over. But anyway.
I have the URL for the Web Comic, but we haven't posted anything yet. Join the mailing list, though, and I'll repay you in sexual favors! Here's the link. Ask your friends to join to. I don't know if I can repay all of them in sexual favors as well, but maybe if we increase productivity by doing several at once, everyone can have a go.
Do any of you still read my other blog?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Anyway. I still feel like shit. I'm listening to Radiohead, but it's not helping a lot. I'll be in a better mood when I write the last post and then end it all. An observation: ending your blog by a gradual process is not good for traffic. But anyway. It might be a while. I'm flying to Texas this weekend for my grandfather's funeral. And I might be busy until next weekend. But don't forget about me. Don't let me die alone.
Movie Quote of the Day:
...oh fuck it.
Cheers,
That Blond Guy
Posted by That Blond Guy at 6:39 PM 27 people secretly have a crush on me
Sunday, October 30, 2011
The Rest of the Video Blog and the Mustache I Never Had
Here are the links to the second and third parts of the video.
I know it's been really long, but I don't know what else to do without not answering all of your questions. I do NOT expect anyone to watch all of it. Want me to tell the truth? I haven't even watched all of it. I don't see how anyone could. Just skip to the part where I answer your question.
I do suggest that EVERYBODY watch the first part of the second video, in which I talk in fifteen different languages. Give or take.
My next and last post will probably be in about a week. I don't know what I'm going to have cooked up for you guys, but I hope that it will be something good.
One important thing I forgot to mention. When I was talking about my birthday presents, I forgot to tell you that I also got a new iPod! Before, I just had a nano that only held about 400 songs. Now I have a classic iPod, cool gray, which can hold about five hundred billion thousand songs. Which I think is pretty good.
I have an AP US History essay which I should be doing right now. But in two or three hours, I'll be at a haunted corn maze! Wish me luck!
Before you go. I wrote a poem for this poetry slam type thing at my school which L from [I Am Unimaginative] was kind enough to read earlier and give me encouragement to share at the slam. I'll post this again to my other blog, which I have recently renamed, but I thought I'd post it here because no one really reads my other blog.
I meant for it to be kinda creepy, because the slam is Halloween-themed. But you be the judge. Tell me what you think.
The Man With a Bandage Over His Eyes
He stands like an ink stain in the shadows black
Escapes through the walls through some creeping crack
His lips stretched tight and his face ghostly white
Highlighted so by some eerie light
The man with a bandage over his eyes
He remains there some days from dusk until dawn
Then for days on he is for some reason gone
Where he goes I cannot not say
But when he’s there I pray I pray that he’ll just go away
The man with a bandage over his eyes
He never speaks, never says a word
Just stands there, so still, like some deathly night bird
His expression is blank, like a child’s doll
Although sometimes he smiles, there against the wall
The man with a bandage over his eyes
Last night he followed me to my bedroom door
I lay in bed sweating from every pore
I lay turned away in the thick thick pitch black
But I felt his gaze burning into my back
The man with a bandage over his eyes
I know he’ll come again tonight
His face so pale, so pale and white
The moonlight streams, the cock crows
He’ll take me with him to wherever he goes
The man with a bandage over his eyes
HAPPY HALLOWEEN GUYS!
Cheers,
That Blond Guy
Posted by That Blond Guy at 11:58 AM 7 people secretly have a crush on me
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Question and Answer Video Blog, Part 1
This one is REALLY long, so I'm going to post it in two parts. This, as I mentioned before, is NOT my room. It's actually the only place in my house where one can get any privacy. My bedroom does not provide me with any privacy. I can't tell you what the room is, though, because it's sort of confidential.
La la la I'm a link why not click on me and make my day.
Also, here's a hot picture of Jodie Foster and her hot feet:
Jodie Foster is so hot. Too bad she's a lesbian, and that's the truth. God, I want to make sweet, sweet love to her. Look at her face. Look at that face.
And here's a picture of my pumpkin this year:
Out of the two, I might even have sex with the pumpkin over Jodie. Sorry, Jodie, but I really like this pumpkin.
Cheers,
That Blond Guy
Posted by That Blond Guy at 12:30 PM 10 people secretly have a crush on me
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
An Idea for a Video Blog Which I Totally Did NOT Get from Bookish.Spazz
I think it would be cool if I did one last video blog, and I made it like a Q&A video, kinda like Bookish.Spazz did.
So please. Leave a comment and ask me any questions you like and as many as you like. Know no boundaries. Boundary no nose.
Until next time.
Also, watch this: Harry Potter and the X-Rated Trailer. You can thank me later.
Movie Quote of the Day: "Do you mean sleep over?" -Josh, Big
Cheers,
That Blond Guy
Posted by That Blond Guy at 4:31 PM 12 people secretly have a crush on me
Monday, October 17, 2011
Some Pitchas--I Mean, Like, A LOT of Pitchas
It's my birthday in two days. Yeah, I'm happy. Unfortunately, my birthday almost always coincides with Homecoming Week, so I can never do anything with my friends from school, and my friends from my old school are sort of all over the place. So I'm not actually doing anything much this weekend except with my family. We just went to PF Changs. Yuh.
Now how about some pictures. Some of these pictures are really old, and all of them are totally random, but I thought I might as well. Okay, first, here's a pigeon.
That's actually my pet pigeon. His name is Pigeon. Which makes me sort of like the Pigeon Lady. Except I'm not lady. At least as far as you know. Whaaaaaaaaa?
Next, here's a picture I guess I never really showed you guys. It's my art piece from Drawing 2 last year. We took a common, household tool and made a giant portrait of it and did all sorts of weird shit to it. Here's mine:
It's a wrench. In case you can't tell, you dumbass. It took a lot of work. I think it was at least two months in the end. There are like three layers on that drawing. I'm rather proud of it, though. I was fucking sick of it after about the sixth week of working on it, though.
Here's some pictures from the lake that my family and I sometimes go to when the people there are kind enough to loan use their lake house. Yeah, we don't even have our own lake house. We just steal them from other people. We're like rats. Or maggots. If you stay out long enough, you'll come back to your lake house and flip on the lights and we'll squeal and take cover under the couch or something.
That's me and my dad at the lake. I tried singing the song "Cat's in the Cradle" to make him play catch with me, but he just told me to leave him alone.
There's the sunset. Pretty standard sunset, I think. But I like it. Sunsets are nice. My sister is in this picture. Except you can't really see her, because she's drowning under water.
This is a picture of a bee that my dad took. I think it's really really a good picture. I was very impressed. I don't know how it's going to show up on blogger, but the quality is excellent on our camera. The bee looks so colorful--I would eat it if you paid me enough.
Next up, here's a couple of pictures from the studio of Joel Barr. We went to visit his studio a while back and it was insanely cool. He just gave us a little tour and showed us around a bit. It was actually amazing. Afterwards, though, we went to Urban Pl-8, and I didn't like that, because it was rabbit foot. But there you are.
He made a lot of little mini ones. Those are some of them right there that we're looking at. I don't know why I'm standing that way, though. Maybe I'm trying to hide an erection because this art is so awesome.
Here's another of his paintings which I really like. If you wanna see anymore, too bad. Go to his fucking website, you shitheads. But really, check out his website. It's cool. And I don't actually think you're shitheads. I'm sorry.
This is my boy cat, Lucky. You may have heard of him. He is perhaps the greatest cat to have ever stepped on the face of the earth. He likes vibrators, but not the sex toy kind. The back massage kind. And he can talk.
This is a picture I took of my brother, Matthew, on the way back from Texas. There's not really any reason I'm posting this except because 1) the background is really really pretty and 2) he actually somehow looks kind of badass in this picture. And my brother is not one to look badass. So if you're reading this and you know Matthew, don't tell him I posted this picture. Just let him bask in the subconscious glory.
This is a picture of me running track. It looks like it's going to turn out really small, which is a shame, because my face looks hilarious in this picture. But yeah, I'm fourth in the picture, and I'm running the 4X100. I'm beating a black kid! Shut up! That's not racist. I just thought I might mention that he's black because it's an interesting detail.
This is a picture of me, my brother, my sister, and mom as babies. Well, my mom wasn't a baby (ha ha) I hope. But yeah, this is a pretty great picture. I'm in the middle. I'm holding Bunny in my right hand. Bunny is probably the only thing that got me through my childhood. Bunny is a bunny. And he's very soft. He almost got eaten by a dog, but we rescued him.
This is a picture of my brother, me, and a friend from our old school in Boy Scouts in like third or fourth grade staying overnight on the USS Yorktown. It was probably one of the coolest experiences of my life, even though I was not such a huge fan of Boy Scouts. There were four bunks stacked on top of one another. And that night, a bunch of kids from our troop got sick and like all of them were on the very top bunk. Yeah. It was raining vomit. But not in a good way, like sometimes.
Here's a picture of my Jack-o-Lantern from 2009. I think it may possibly be my masterpiece.
Yeah, it creeped the fuck out of me and I made it. So yeah.
Finally:
Bloggers, meet Swag Face. Swag Face, meet bloggers.
I hope you enjoyed this post. I'm probably going to end this blog around Halloween, so stay tuned until then. I'll try to get my web-comic up and running so I can link it to you guys. Also, if I manage to get a hold of this Dutch girl from EYC and claim her as my own, I will make an exception and come back to tell you guys.
Movie Quote of the Day: "No, Boss, I'm Jewish." -Knuckles, Bugsy Malone
Cheers,
That Blond Guy
Posted by That Blond Guy at 7:35 PM 10 people secretly have a crush on me