Wednesday, November 23, 2011

My Last Post--And It's Going to Be More Jam-Packed With Goodness Than Katy Perry's Luscious, Celestial Breasts

And I chose Katy Perry's breasts because they really are fantastic. Like, beyond compare. But yes, hopefully this post will be just as jam-packed with goodness as I have just advertised. It's probably going to take me several days to write. Not because it's that amazing or because it even takes a lot of hard work, but because I'm just really lazy now that I've gotten out of blogging habit and because I have fat fingers.

So right now I'm starting my very last post of The Nerd Archives the day before Thanksgiving, at just about eleven o'clock, listening to the song "Keep a Friend" by Dr. Dog.

First of all, I thought I might as well open the post by mentioning that girl who I have been continually attempting to seduce. Well, I still haven't professed love. I have 1) touched her knee, 2) told her she was beautiful, 3) put my arm around her during a romantic scene in a movie, and 4) called her "pumpkin."

I feel like I've done all right, but I'm not picking up any vibes back from her. I'm not good at picking up vibes. She's a year older than me. High school girls out there reading this, PLEASE tell me. If you were in your last year of high school, and there was a guy a year younger than you who you may or not consider to be attractive, would you go out with him? I just want to know if I stand a chance. This girl is not only gorgeous--I feel good around her. Like if I wanted to, I could pick up a car with three fingers or grow a mustache in ten seconds.

But I don't know if she's being nice to me because she likes me or because she's just a nice person. I wish she would say something.

The idea has struck me that I could profess love to her in Spanish, which she doesn't speak a word of. This is what I was thinking:

Sabes, me gustas mucho. Eres bonita y inteligente y graciosa y simpática y todo. No eres como ningún otra chica. Algún día, quiero casarte y tener cien hijos. Quiero vivir contigo en una casa en Florence con los cien hijos y un perro llamado Anna Karenina. Ahora, sin embargo, estaría contento si pudiera darte un beso--si pudiera mirarte los ojos y lamer tu cara. Yo sé que soy menor que tu, pero solo se tiene una vida, y no quiero vivir una vida sin ti.

I could do French as well, but the trouble is I think she speaks some French. The only remaining option is German, but I don't know very much German at all, so this would be about the best I could do.

Du bist eine gute, große Frau. Ich will meine Hände auf Ihrem Körper. Wo ist deine Mutter? Danken Ihr für mich. Sie ist eine gute Katze. Du sowie. Jetzt tun die Liebe mit mir! Was ist das Prognosis?

(I threw that last bit in there even though it's totally irrelevant because it's my favorite German phrase.) I think that's pretty good. I don't want to risk it, if she does know German, though, because that one was considerably weirder than the first one. Although both are significantly creepy. Forget her, though! Well, don't forget her quite yet. Give me some advice. Tell me I'm handsome and cool and charismatic and could have any girl I wanted if I put my mind to it. No, I don't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder--I just wish I did. It would make everything so much easier.

Have you guys heard of BriTANicK? If not, you're going to want to thank me in about nine milliseconds. Watch this and this and this. Then jizz your pants.

Our next order of business is a review of the movie Zombieland, which I saw just a few weeks ago, done in a Transylvanian accent!!!! Here's the review:


Notice I replaced the W with a V to make it sound Transylvanian.

My next next order of business is to proudly announce my final follower count and total page views! This I will do in an Irish accent. You won't really notice, though, because I'm writing, not talking. But just use your imagination.

Followers? 168. Yeah, I wanted to reach 200 but that wasn't gonna happen. Unless any of you have been hiding 32 potential followers from me in your pants. Come on. Whip em out. You can't hide them any longer. Don't think I haven't noticed that suspicious bulge in your trousers. I KNOW YOU'RE HIDING THEM.

Total page views, at least since I installed the gadget a few months ago? About 19,500. That's pretty good, I think. I wouldn't really know. Probably 19,000 of those are mine, but that still leaves about 500 from you guys.

Now I want to thank some people. I'm tearing up a bit. Tears are streaming down my face and turning to flowers when they hit the floor. I'm that sad.

As you can see, I have a fair amount of followers, but many of them are long gone. Some, however, have stuck with me until the very end, and I'd like to thank them specifically. YUUHH BOY TIME FOR SOME SHOUT OUTS!!!

Boyd from Boyd's World: Did you guys know his name wasn't really Boyd? Cha, it only took me like a year to figure that one out. But anyway, he's hilarious, he listens to Zeppelin, and he has pretty great hair that kinda makes him remind me of Jack White. Boyd, call me when you become famous one day! But not until then, or it'd just be weird.

RainboRevovler from I Wish I Were British: The first time I saw this blog I was like gahh no way I wish I was British too! And it's true. I think everyone does. Julia is very funny in an extremely dry way, and she's a great writer too. Considering I'm not exactly a regular party-goer myself, she also provides interesting insight into the life of a raver. Julia, I'm gonna miss you and your many hairstyles. Stay golden.

Eeshie from I Don't Skinny Dip...I Chunky Dunk: Eeshie has been mean to me sometimes, but I can forgive her for that because she's really nice and she sends me a lot of very fashionable, great hats to wear on the holidays. Her blog is awesome and I love her even though she's a Slytherin. Eeshie, you will always hold a place in my heart. I'll never forget you, darling

Jessica from Lemons Don't Make Lemonade: She likes talking about sex. Like, a lot. Even more than I do. Which was startling for me to figure out. But her blog is very funny and sometimes I get an erection while reading it. She posts hilarious pictures, something I've always neglected to do and which has lost me probably the success of this blog. But, Jessica, good luck in life and I hope your love of sex continues to grow and grow and grow.

Gabi from Crazy Socks and Ninja Bunnies: As you can tell from her blog name, Gabi is wacky. She does this hilarious thing on her blog where she has multiple personalities all having a conversation with one another. One time I laughed so hard I peed my pants. Yeah, thanks a lot, Gabi. I happened to like those pants. Anyway. Gabi, my advice to you is to hold onto your wacky and bizarre personality. Don't let it go like Kate Winslet let go of Leonard DiCaprio at the end of Titanic. THERE WAS ENOUGH ROOM FOR THE BOTH OF YOU, KATE!

Bookish.Spazz from, not unexpectedly, Bookish Spazz: Bookish is very cool. She's a cool cat, is what she is. Her posts are always fun and interesting and she also is a very wacky person. I've never asked her, but I think of her as very much a cat person. Which is a good thing, in my book. To Bookish I leave my copy of Tales of the Beedle and the Bard, in the hopes that she will find it entertaining and instructive.

Cosette from Like a Tapir: She hasn't been with us all that long, but I had no choice to include her on this list because I love her blog and because she's been such a fantastic follower. I don't know if she's from Canada or not, but for some reason I've always thought she was from Canada. Or Minnesota. Anyway, Cosette, I love your blog name and I sincerely hope it's your real name because it's awesome! Good luck in life!

Kay from The Cerulean Skies: Kay is awesome beyond belief. She leaves the most subtle but funny, clever, thought-provoking comments on my blog. And her blog is so delicious it's like being hit in the face with a chocolate chess pie. Each of her blog posts is a little gift from heaven. Just like babies. Anyway, Kay, I love you and God does too and I hope you keep writing forever and ever.

Furree Katt from Furree Katt: I've always loved her blog and especially her blog name. She's super nice and a very interesting person and even though she's absolutely blogger famous, she always swings by and says hi whenever I'm feeling lonely. Furree Katt, good luck in life! I'll always think of you whenever I think of people who spell the word "cat" wrong!

Abby from Lounge Act: I've tried to express to you people numerous times the magnitude of amazingness this blog possesses. If you don't read it by now, anyway, you should. She hasn't been posting so much in the past few months, like many of us, but her writing is beyond spectacular. Abby, you are a jewel. Farewell, my sweet!

L from [I Am Unimaginative]: Last but most certainly not least!! I would never ever ever in my long-legged life choose my favorite blogger, because I don't pick favorites, but if someone held a gun to my head and demanded that I choose one, (don't ask why I would find myself in that situation--it's plausible, okay?), I might just choose L. Her posts are funky, hilarious, and also funky. Did I mention funky? I love her blog and shh...I'm also reading her book. (L, I'll get back to you about that really soon.) And it's fantastic. But I can't say too much shhhhh. She's also Jewish. NOT LIKE THAT MATTERS. But it certainly doesn't hurt. It definitely wins her a few bonus points in my book. Anyway, goodbye for now, Jen! I have faith that I'll see you very soon. Well, I'll see you. But you may not see me.

Some of you may be wondering, wait, why is That Blond Guy saying goodbye if he's going to continue writing on his super-awesome, spectacular, amazing, fantastic other blog, Yesterday Upon the Stair? Well, that's a good question, person-who-I-most-certainly-did-not-pay-to-say-those-things-about-my-blog.

I WILL continue writing on that blog, and hopefully at more regular intervals, but I will not often be out and about in the blogosphere, as I have been here. Hopefully I'll be spending more time out in nature. More time reading, writing, thinking, and more time interacting with people and having experiences. More time to witness sunsets. More time to eat blueberries. Most importantly, in fact, more time to eat blueberries.

So that's why I'm saying goodbye to all of you now. And also, I really like saying goodbyes. As you can tell. I hate leaving someone without saying a proper goodbye. It kills me. It eats me up inside. And I like sentiment. As you can tell from the fact that nine-tenths of the movies I have mentioned on this blog have been romantic comedies. But I digress.

I do hope that you all will continue to read my other blog, the link to which can be found at the top of the page, but I won't be annoying about it. If you like poetry, art, and Mel Gibson, just stop by sometime.

I think this post needs to be winding to a close. My last and perhaps most important order of business is to introduce my web comic. The site is finally up and running. The site is and the comic is called The Toble Chronicles. It's a comic BY super-awesome people FOR super-awesome people. And super-awesome people only. So if you're not super-awesome, you can go fuck yourself.

Here's the link. It doesn't work on Internet Explorer yet, so do it on Mozilla Firefox or Google Chrome if you have those. If not, need I say it? I will, just in case. Go fuck yourself.

Well, it looks like my time here is coming to an end. I'm scared now. There's so much pressure. These are the last few words I'll be writing on The Nerd Archives. What do I say? Think of something profound! Quick! Ah, too late. Well, here are my closing words. They're not much, but they're...well..not much.

It's been a wild journey. I began this blog a nerd, and I'm certainly ending it a nerd. The Nerd Archives has been a father to me. A mother. A brother. A sister. A dog. A cousin. An aunt. A teacher. A student. An uncle. A grandparent. A husband. A wife. A pediatrician. A watchmaker. A tailor. And perhaps above all: it's been a dentist. A great dentist.

Never be ashamed of who you are. Be proud of it, even if you, like me, are a nerd who watches weird TV shows and eats band-aids. Life will get better for you. Or maybe it will get worse. Who knows? Well, God does. The least you can do is exercise a lot and get good grades. The safest sex is no sex!

Farewell, my children!!! But first: check out this hat!

My final Movie Quote of the Day: "That'll do, Pig. That'll do." -Farmer, Babe

That Blond Guy

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I Feel Like Shit Right Now

Everytime I feel like this I try to remind myself of things like "Happiness is a choice" and shit like that. Well, I don't think it's shit. I think it's true. But sometimes, when you feel like shit, you just feel like shit.

I don't know why I'm writing my post, because I'm going to regret it later when I look back and see that my second-to-last post on The Nerd Archives was a post about how I felt like shit. But write these wimpy-ass posts where I bitch about my stupid white boy problems has been one of my favorite parts of The Nerd Archives. So I thought I might as well.

Actually, I'm not going to talk about why I feel like shit. I don't want to go into it. I will, however, post a text conversation I had. I never thought I'd post text conversations ever ever ever, but I guess I was wrong. I had this about a week or two ago after my friend and I bumped into that girl I'd been avoiding for the entire year so far. It was at about 8. Here's how it goes. Also, yes, we actually did use all of this correct punctuation and impeccable grammer. You don't make many friends when you're a Grammer Nazi, but it's worth it because you make friends with other Grammer Nazis.

Me: Also...about today.

Him: About what today?

Me: Nevamind.

Him: Now you have to tell me. Is it about the girl?

Me: Um. No.

Him: It's fine. Do. Not. Worry about it. You didn't look like an idiot at all. Trust me on that--I'm usually quite blunt.

Me: The thing is...I caught up with her later today.

Him: Oh, well, listen. Don't go into it if you don't want to. If you do, I'm listening.

Me: I do.

Him: Alright, what happened?

Me: She was reading, and I just walked up and said hi. Well, actually, first I had to knock on the window.

Him: Wait...What?

Me: Just listen.

Him: Okay.

Me: It turns out the window was unlocked, so I just let myself in. She was in her pajamas.

Him: Wait, how much later was this?

Me: About thirty minutes ago. She started screaming, which freaked me out, so I got all nervous and started knocking stuff over.

Him: Wha

Me: Then her mom came in and screamed too, because I was naked.

Him: What?!

Me: Then I started sobbing and yelling. I scrawled over to her bed and crept under the covers. They were so soft...

Him: Um, well, okay. Hey. Are you anywhere near my house? Just wondering.

Me: I'm at your house. Gimme some sugar mama. Give your baby some sugar.

Him: I'm calling the cops.


*End of conversation.*

That really was the end of the conversation, because he really did call the police and then the fun was over. But anyway.

I have the URL for the Web Comic, but we haven't posted anything yet. Join the mailing list, though, and I'll repay you in sexual favors! Here's the link. Ask your friends to join to. I don't know if I can repay all of them in sexual favors as well, but maybe if we increase productivity by doing several at once, everyone can have a go.

Do any of you still read my other blog?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Anyway. I still feel like shit. I'm listening to Radiohead, but it's not helping a lot. I'll be in a better mood when I write the last post and then end it all. An observation: ending your blog by a gradual process is not good for traffic. But anyway. It might be a while. I'm flying to Texas this weekend for my grandfather's funeral. And I might be busy until next weekend. But don't forget about me. Don't let me die alone.

Movie Quote of the Day:

...oh fuck it.

That Blond Guy