So here's a list of qualities for my ideal girlfriend:
1) Both Jewish and naturally blonde. I know that's unlikely, so I suppose you can be half-Jewish if you really want to. I think Jewish girls are totally spicy, but I need to marry a blonde girl so our baby can have hair like James Spader in Pretty in Pink (which is NOT a chick flick!)
2) It's kind of pushing it to go even further with the nationality bit, but it really would be awesome if she was also from either Europe or Russia. Yeah...Russia. That's sexy. Preferably she would speak in kind of broken English.
3) I don't really need a stunningly beautiful girlfriend, but it's true that looks are more important to me than they should be. I don't want to have to close my eyes while we make love. In fact, it would be quite nice to have a stunningly beautiful girlfriend. Chauvinist pigs: UNITE!
4) I'd like my girlfriend to be a bit slow. Not too slow, though. Just slow enough that I don't have to feel stupid talking to her. I'm intimidated by intelligent women. She should be into poetry/art/literature, but I still need to be able to trick her into sex.
5) I think it's best if she's not a Psych fan. As much as I love(d) that show, I can't let her realize that I occasionally steal jokes from it.
6) She needs to have a stellar taste in music. The Beatles, Vampire Weekend, and Michael Jackson being the minimum qualifications. I don't think I'd ever date an avid Elvis fan. And there's no room for Lady Gaga or Katy Perry in my house. She can't listen to pop unless she wants to be beaten half to death every night before we go to bed. (Don't worry--I mean that in a completely sexual way.)
7) At the very least a half-decent writer
8) Not taller than me or more physically aggressive than me in any way whatsover (am I sounding insecure right now?)
9) Although I know it 's unlikely that I'll ever chance upon a girl who's more than moderately athletic, it'd be sweet if she was into exercise, just like jogging and aerobics. Ooh, and yoga!
10) A fan of Dustin Hoffman, Tom Hanks, and Johnny Depp but not just because she thinks any of them are hot. And decent movie knowledge. She has to have seen Psycho, The Breakfast Club, Stranger than Fiction, and The Fisher King.
11) Intense blue eyes that make me feel as though my heart is being run through with a magic sword every time I stare into them
12) I think it'd be awesome if she just dabbled into bisexuality. Not a serious bisexual, but maybe she kissed a chick at this one slumber party at the conclusion of a pajama-clad pillow fight. Or she participated in an all-girl spin-the-bottle game just this one time half a year ago.
13) Speaks French, but isn't snobby about it
14) Can't be too rich--preferably her financial background is somewhere around upper middle middle class
15) Middle name Bailey
16) More of a dog person than a cat person, but has the ability to appreciate a good kitten
17) Is totally finished with orthodontics. (I'm still cringing from that one scene in Date Night with Tina Fey and her retainer because it's so foreseeable in my future.)
18) Can appreciate her man for his calf muscles and forearms, not just his chest and abs--because, baby, that's all you have to look forward to.
19) Plays an instrument
20) A pretty good dancer
21) Good teeth
22) She has to look cute while she's eating a watermelon. You may laugh, but that's important to me. I think it's good to have a healthy appetite, but not so that it's repulsive.
23) If her name was Sarah, I would totally dig that. I love that name like unmarried single mothers love men named Craig. Yeah, I'm adding that onto the list. My ideal girlfriend would be named Sarah. ATTENTION: the alternate spelling of that name (Sarai) is also acceptable and even welcome
24) Can't judge me because I like musicals
25) Obedient; willing to shut up and do what her man tells her to do when it comes down to it
26) Has a penis
Okay, not really the last two things. But besides that, this was a pretty decent list, right? Not too picky. How many contestants are left? Nine? Ten? Eleven, even? Hello? Where is everybody? Oh, come on! It wasn't that bad!
Fine, it was pretty bad. I think I lost it at "you have to have seen The Fisher King." This list is just what my girlfriend would be like in a perfect world, though. Realistically, you shouldn't beat yourself up too much if nothing on this list applies to you. As long as you're really pretty, thin, tan, well-toned, intelligent, artistic, creative, and witty, you shouldn't give up.
Odds are, though, that I'm going to end up marrying an alien. I'm a nerd, and I find that idea totally attractive. Lara Flynn Boyle in Men in Black II was my major celebrity crush until I turned twelve (and discovered Christian Bale.)
Well, this has been productive. This post was conceited, rude, vulgar, and altogether too shocking.
As I've mentioned 1-3 times before this, I'm leaving for Texas early tomorrow morning. I'll be back Saturday--and by that time, I'll be three inches taller and I'll have killed a man. If you haven't read the post below this one, I just posted it a few hours ago so go ahead take a gander if it floats your boat. Until next time: to infinity and beyond!
That Blond Guy