Tuesday, March 30, 2010


17 days without comments. Water supply almost empty. Self esteem running dangerously low. Other human bloggers nowhere in sight the past two and a half weeks. Motivation to blog dropping...dropping...dropping...

Boy, I thought I showed you great comedians in the last post. Check this guy out:

Frank Caliendo. He is NOT human. Caliendo is like the David Blaine of comedians. He's so good that when you watch his material, you have to decide after every joke whether you're tickled or freaked out. Now in this video, he does a mediocre Seinfeld. But if you search on Youtube "Frank Caliendo future Seinfeld," and watch that video--once again, you WILL be freaked out.

The swimming unit is still going strong. There are still quite a lot of half-naked male teenagers running around whipping each other with towels, but what's new? I actually kind of enjoy the swimming unit. Water recharges me.

Water recharges me...

Water...recharges me!

I'm either Aquaman or Percy Jackson!!! Score! I gotta tell all the guys in the chess club and math team.

Hm...what else is new? Well, I'm having a might bit of trouble seeing my new female companion in person. It's been about three weeks. I can't believe it. I've suggested the unpleasant thought that fate is conspiring against us. Fate, or my parents.

Ooh, remember that pathetic crush I mentioned in the very first post? Well, she's moving to California. I felt guilty about ever being her secret admirer, actually. She's my sister's friend. And, of course, I'm me. But no longer a problem. She will be in San Fransisco checking out the tan California airheaded guys out of the corners of her eyes.

Heard of My Life is Average? I don't think I've ever shared my My Life is Average stories with this blog. I'll post a few of my favorites:

Today in class I smeared highlighter all over my forearm. I licked my thumb and started rubbing off the highlighter mark. As I looked up I saw eight pairs of curious eyes trained on me, including the teacher's. Someone finally asked, "What are you doing?" I answered, "Grooming." MLIA

Because I live so far from school, I have the ability to wake up on will (and, of course, at the sound of my alarm clock at 6 AM) engraved into my mind. Sometimes, however, I forget the alarm clock part. Five times in the last month, I've woken up at 2 AM, taken a shower, walked downstairs, and maybe even started making breakfast before I look at my watch. MLIA

I pride myself in giving donations, volunteering, and crying at the end of sad movies about orphans with cancer. Last week, while my brother and I were parked at the gas station, a bus full of--you guessed it--a dozen orphans rolled by our car. (The bus said the name of the orphanage in big smiling letters.) Every single orphan was giving us the finger. I shrugged and waved. I don't like orphans anymore.

Girl in my Social Studies class today: "What's Obama's last name?" Life would be more interesting if I was that stupid. MLIA

Thanks for reading, everybody. I'm still trying to think of an event I could host on this blog that would both attract readers and restore interest in The Nerd Archives. Some sort of contest in which everyone could post something here. There could even be a prize. Starbursts, maybe?

Give me your ideas if you have any. I'm willing to pay.


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

A Bunch of Teenagers in a Swimming Pool and a 7-Hour Track Meet

Hey, you guys! It's been a while! What--6 days? That's only about 3 days short of forever! Okay, everybody. Raise your hand if you missed me. Come on. Don't be shy.

The swimming unit began in PE yesterday. While I do love swimming and might like being on swim team, swimming with a bunch of immature/half-witted middle school guys in a medium-sized pool is not an ideal recreational break. It also means a fair amount of awkwardness in the locker rooms. Actually, I take it back. I wish it was awkward, but really it's just frightening. Like I said, a bunch of immature middle school boys. Nakedness. Do the math.

My school was a military school about 35 years ago, and some of the tradition has stuck. For example, we have 6 tests at the end of the swim unit. 1) Free style 2) Breast stroke 3) Back stroke 4) Side stroke 5) Emergency equipment test 6) JUMPING INTO THE POOL WITH A PLASTIC RIFLE WITHOUT GETTING THE RIFLE WET!!!

Is it me, or are they suggesting that every guy in the school should join the Marines?

I'm not joining the Marines, just so you know.

Moving onto the next topic, you all know I run track and field, right? Well, we have our third meet on Saturday. If it's not bad enough that it's on a weekend, it also runs from 9 AM to 4 PM. And it's pretty far away. That's not good. What's even worse is that my youth group's one-night lock-in was scheduled the night before. Usually I love this event. The middle school locks the doors of the Church for one night and we stay up until about 4 AM celebrating that fact. Last year it was great--I loved it. But do you think it's healthy to eat pizza and stay up until 4 AM the night before a track meet?

I won't be running, though, unfortunately. It's a seven hour meet and I'm doing a single ten minute event: the triple jump.

For those of you who have never endured the fascinating experience of triple jump, let me give you a hint of what it's like: It's like a really fast Hop-Scotch that ends in a pit of sand. That's it. The hardest part is remembering how you're supposed to get in that pit of sand. It's the triple jump, so you have two hop on your right leg twice, land on your left leg, then launch into the pit of sand. I cam in 3rd place at the last meet. My brother scratched three times. (Coaches yell "Scratch!" like middle schoolers might yell "Epic fail!").

So I'm not looking forward very much to Saturday.

Pray for me. Most importantly, keep reading. Bye!

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Ah...Another Day of Being a Nerd

My elementary school was really different from most. We were a pretty close group of 46 kids. Even though it's elementary school, there are class reunions and an alumni programs. But, as middle school tends to do to people, after we all parted our separate ways for middle school and high school, kids higher up on the social ladder immediately began to ignore the kids they used to be such good friend with. Three of the girls haven't talked to me at school since we left our elementary school, until today. This one girl was being dragged by her boyfriend across the basketball court. Here's a transcript of their conversation:

The girl: "I'm sooooooooo bored."

"That's not nice. You're not as nice as I thought you were."

"I am soooooooo nice."

"No you're not."

"Yes! I am."

"If you're so nice to everybody, go talk to that kid over there." He then points toward me playing basketball. She walks reluctantly over to me and puts on a painful smile.

"Hey, Christopher! We went to the same elementary school!" She then jogs back to her boyfriend and leaves me feeling moderately baffled.

How flattering. Ah, the life of nerds.

I love being a nerd, because, in my opinion, the nicest/smartest/most-artistic kids are usually nerds. There are many cons, though. For instance: at lunch, three fouths of all conversations revolve around video games. I've never played Modern Warfare or Halo, but I feel like an expert on video games just because I'm put through the torture of hearing about them all day.

I hope by now that any followers who (at one time, at least) read my blog have at least once watched one out of the six shows I've suggested.

-Chuck (almost at the end of its third season)
-Psych (just finished with its fifth season)
-Modern Family (first or second season)
-The Middle (first or second season)
-Monk (canceled after around ten seasons)
-The Office (I have no idea)

If you want sitcoms, watch The Middle, Modern Family, or The Office. Psych and Chuck are both police shows, but they're definitely also comedy. Dramedies, I've heard them called.

You see, I'm a very special type of nerd. I don't play video games. I'm not on math team. But instead of having my week revolve around parties and sports, my week is defined by when the best shows come on.

When I glance at my watch and see that I have ten hours left until I go home,
When I finish an impossibly long track practice and enter the car with sore limbs,
When I'm halfway through math class and have already been caught once for snoozing,
Do you think I'd be eager to come home to text and party? No! I want to come home to a solid hour of TV comedy.

Now you see just how logical it is. Thanks for listening.

Before I go, once again--where is everybody? I look at my clustr map and sometimes don't see a single visit for the past day! Like I said in my last post, do you think that just because it's Spring Break and the last term of school, you have a good excuse to get a life all of a sudden? NO!


Saturday, March 13, 2010

Happy March 13th!

Youtube is useful to me in strictly two ways: 1) Free music! 2) To watch clips from stand-up comedians. Listed below in order of thickness of hair are links from the acts of three different stand-up comedians. All three are contenders for my list of favorites, especially considering none of them really laugh at their jokes. That strikes me as annoying. Even if it is a decent joke, they kind of spoil it by giggling uncontrollably--especially in the cases that the comedian is the only one laughing. Anyway, here are the clips:

1) Russell Peters:

2) Don't click on this link if you mind swearing terribly. George Carlin:

3) Jerry Seinfeld:

These guys are great. Of course, Carlin swore like his irritable teenage grandkids might have, but he was still funny. Recently I also got interested in comedy podcasts. Well, I did get interested, but I think that was before I listened to any. You know Ricky Gervais? Especially since he's British, he's pretty funny on stand-up. But his podcasts are both mediocre and IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND. Don't get me wrong--I love hearing British people talk. It's almost as amusing to listen to a British newsman ramble on about gas prices on NPR as it is to listen to a British comedian. But comedy podcasts are a different story. I admire them for being all improv, but the consequence is that they don't exactly put me into breathless fits of laughter. And back to the laughing at their own jokes thing, Ricky Gervais squeals like an epileptic pig on his podcasts.

Was that mean? Surely it was justified by the fact that he's so rich, he could buy my house without having to sacrifice anything financially except a suit and a pair of jeans?

Have I already told you that our trip to St. Simon's was canceled? Well, it was. Mom got sick, actually. Not terminally, I don't believe. Just a fever and a cold. The kind of condition of sickness that everyone still wants you to do the dishes, but we still called the vacation off. Instead, I went with a bunch of friends to The Lightning Thief. It had its good moments and its funny moments, but overall I was horrified. My inner nerd was screaming "bloody murder." Despite the fact that it was a pretty good movie, it strayed really far from the book. It was almost unrecognizable. If it wasn't for the fact that the books themselves weren't great, I would be furious. Now don't go judging me for reading that series. It was almost a full year ago--hear that? It is weird, though. I switch from preteen novels like Percy Jackson to American and European classic literature like The Great Gatsby in less than a year. I still prefer teen fiction's romance, though. You know who's going to end up with who, and just about everyone is attractive so nobody is ever disappointed! Did that sound shallow?

And regarding sitcoms and TV dramedies, while Modern Family and The Middle climaxed last Wednesday, Psych just had its season finale. It was a brilliant episode. Funny, scary, heart-breaking. The last one especially. I won't spoil the ending in the unlikely case that anyone here watches Psych, but I'll tell you now that I was ready to cry harder than Juliett at the end of that episode.

I miss everybody. You know that Spring Break and everything else is no excuse to get a life all of a sudden! I need you here! The Nerd Archives! Home!

Bye bye!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Uncyclopedia and the Really, Really Rather Depressing Yet Somehow Uplifting Song from a Well-Known Pixar Movie

Sure, you've heard of Wikipedia. Huge, knowledgable wiki known world-wide. But are you getting bored of it yet? No jokes. None. Really gets tiresome. My longest lasting article on Wikipedia was about the menu of Panda Express. Simply because I used lines like this:

"Panda Express has been commended by Chinese foods chains across the nation for its orange chicken, which possesses a godly tanginess that enriches the taste buds and provides the customer with an unexplained joy for the rest of their day..."

My article was deleted in a little less than eleven minutes. The average Wikipedia user is a technologically apt snob with a degree in computer programming. The average Wikipedia user has a minibowl of salted peanuts at his side while editing the wiki. The average Wikipedia user has NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

So here it is! The new and improved Wikipedia! It's Uncyclopedia. As I mentioned on my other blog, fate introduced this site to me when a friend showed me the page "How to: Kill your Family." Yeah, it's a little dark, but it's really very witty when you look past the measurable amount of profanity and immaturity. I've grown quite fond of it. I have contributed one UnNews article: "Ben Stiller Dresses Up in Blue and Makes me Giggle". (Another link, by the way.) And I've written one page on...poetry. ("Poetry".)

Check the site out. It's like a blend of Mad Magazine and Jon Stewart. You either hate it or you don't, so try it.

Ever seen the Pixar film Up? Great movie and I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm man enough to admit that I was prepared to cry at some of the darker moments. But why I wanted to post about it was because I've gotten to love the musical piece at the very beginning. Luckily and obviously, Youtube has it, so here it is:

You got to love that movie--and that song.

Thanks for reading! I'm on Spring Break, and we depart for St. Simon's Island on Thursday, they tell me.


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Spring Break-(yay!) and Some Other Random Rubbish

Ugh...I've waited too long to post! I'm sure all of you missed me terribly, and so here's a little treat: a post!


Spring Break starts Friday at the moment that the end-of-school bell rings. Oh wait, I'm in track. Nevermind. School ends after a school day more than ten hours long. I depart for freedom in stubborn perspiration and with groaning bones and with angry muscles and tendons. Back to Spring Break--Spring Break starts Saturday morning.

As I interjected in slightly larger text above, "Yay!" Especially "yay" considering we're getting out of the house and breathing in the refreshing scent of away-ness. St. Simon's Island. Yeah. Another beautiful island paradise. Masterpiece of nature. One of God Almight Creator of the Universe's finest works of art. It's the Lorax situation. "What a beautiful, clean ocean! This would be the PERFECT place to build a hotel resort...ooh! and right next to it how about a commercial mall?"

Don't get me wrong--I love vacationing in a beautiful place. But do you ever feel guilty for enjoying the result of humanity's stain on nature?

At least we left one island in the archipelago behind. Jekyll. Of course, it's got tourists teeming all over it, but there are very few hotels and restaurants. Thank God. You know, that's only because the island is also teeming with gnats and mosquitoes which they can't get rid of, but it's one more tally mark for nature. Enough hippy rant. Onto some more useless rants.

My art teacher, who happens to be one of my favorite employed teachers of my entire life. I won't talk too much about him, but I'd just like to tell you about one of his literary suggestions.

Ever heard of The Lies My Teacher Told Me? I know, it kind of sounds like a third grader's book that belongs on the same shelf as A Boy in the Girl's Bathroom. In truth, it's a nonfiction about how romanticized American history really is. Even before this, I figured it just didn't add up that such a huge country was founded totally on the shoulders of perfect men. Well, it's not so. Two facts from the book that I'd like to share with you just to give you an idea about it: 1) Ever wonder why you don't hear much about Helen Keller after she graduated from college? It's because she joined the Socialist Party as soon as she graduated. American press and even government covered it up to protect her image. I was horrified when I heard this. Don't judge her if you're all Anti-Socialist. Do me a favor and judge America instead. 2) Did you know that Christopher Colombus was one of the cruelest men in history? Do you have any idea how many Native Americans he killed? What a dictator he was?

Try the book.

Next, another tiny update: Went to another community service center today. It's a center for children of lower class Americans. Mostly Hispanics--many of them belonging to single parents. Every day after school they go there for help with homework and some dinner. It was fun, except grade schoolers are so often liars when it comes to food. When they weren't ordering me firmly to put the food on my plates before they stood me up; they were claiming that they had only had one cookie and one brownie, which was very strange considering I saw two of each hidden cunningly under their knees. Nah, overall it was pretty fun.

And I have a girlfriend!

What a note to close on.

The end.